What would your life be like if you could approach and ask out ANY woman you wanted with confidence?
What if that anxious feeling you get when you see a beautiful girl disappeared, and you felt completely relaxed?
Sounds good right? If you think this all sounds impossible, you’re WRONG.
It’s actually pretty simple if you know what to do.
There’s only 3 things to master when you approach a beautiful woman.
Fear, Low Self Esteem, and Lack of an Action Plan.
That’s it. Nothing more. Nothing less.
If you handle these 3 things, you’ll be able to approach ANY woman and get her number.
This topic will be divided into three parts, each will address one of the key problems of Fear, Low Self Esteem, and Lack of an Action Plan
This article will introduce the problem and explores the first problem area, Fear.
Let’s get started.
What I’m about to tell you will be unlike than any advice out there.
It wont’ always be politically correct, but it will always be simple, actionable, and effective.
Much of the dating advice out there is outdated, ineffective, or just plain dangerous.
Many “Pickup Artists” and dating coaches give complicated and often damaging advice.
Instead of helping it usually turns nice, normal guys into douche bags.
Don’t fall for it!!
If you invest a little time learning this now it will pay off BIG time later.
You will be able to will date higher quality, sane women that won’t ruin your life!!!
Many men I”ve coached wished they’d learned this sooner, rather than having to deal with a nasty divorce or breakup later.
I want to spare you the mistakes and dead ends I experienced so you can master this stuff and get the kind of woman you deserve.
THIS IS NOT FOR EVERYONE!
First off let me tell you who this article is for, cause it ain’t for everyone.
If you are looking for easy hookups then this is NOT for you.
Because getting consistent easy hookups requires dealing with immature, insecure women.
Write that down or tattoo it somewhere on your body as a reminder!
It may be a generalization, but trust me it is a pretty accurate one.
Now I’m not the morality police, and there’s nothing wrong with 2 consenting adults wanting to have some fun.
But Notice I said consistent, easy hookups.
Meaning, if that’s ALL you’re looking for…then you’re not gonna like what I have to say
We dont’ teach manipulative or sleazy tactics.
Because the women you attract with those tactics do not tend to be high quality, secure women. The kind that will enrich your life, not ruin it.
If you want to learn how to meet secure, high value women….who may also be sexually liberated and open minded, then let’s continue on.
I would rather teach you the right skills to get an amazing woman without all drama.
And yes, you can have as many of this kind of women in your life that you can handle!
Learning how to attract women the right way will also allow you to transition to finding one later who you can build a meaningful long term relationship with when you are ready.
Don’t Be That Creepy Bar Guy
Much of what is taught by so-called “pickup artists” and other dating coaches are:
- Canned routines or pickup lines
- Manipulative, destructive behavior
- Putting on a false persona
- Sleazy tactics
- Negative views of women
I learned all those things and more…and at the end I was a jaded, unhappy man dating TOO many nut cases (trust me that is NOT a good thing).
For many men, this path leads to a negative, misogynistic attitude towards women.
You can’t ever hope to have any kind of meaningful relationship with a stable, mature, high-quality woman this way.
What I say may seem “obvious” at first…but there is a deeper truth beneath it.
The most drastic changes and significant revelations in life are often not due to some new, fantastic idea…but rather seeing the true meaning of something that you’ve always heard, but never fully understood.
Often this is due to limiting beliefs or clouded thinking from old habits.
This article is meant to serve as an introduction to concepts that will change your life forever if you grasp the true meaning of the words.
Mastery Lies in the Fundamentals
So what happens when you approach a woman? To answer that let’s define it.
Definition of Approach: Meeting a woman using a simple greeting and assessment formula to screen for the RIGHT woman.
Did you get that?
Notice I said screen for the RIGHT woman, not just any woman.
That’s so important because you don’t want to waste your time on women who are not a fit for you.
Many guys are so desperate that they have no standards when it comes to a beautiful woman, and the crazy thing is that they can smell it..and are turned off by it.
Remember, behind that pretty face there can be a whole lot of crazy so don’t give her a pass just because she’s pretty.
If you want a handy tool to help you figure out what your standards are and what kind of woman would be a good fit check out our FREE workbook “The Ideal Woman” here.
It will really help you figure out exactly what you want in a woman in only a few minutes.
THE REAL PROBLEM
I’ve talked to hundreds of guys…and there are usually two things men tell me that prevents them from approaching a beautiful, high-quality woman.
It usually boils down to one of two beliefs… a lack of “confidence” or a lack of “skill”.
But hold on… before we go on we have to clear up something very important.
It’s the belief that you lack “confidence” to talk to women.
I want to let you in on a BIG secret.
Confidence is NOT the problem.
This is the BIGGEST misunderstanding in dating.
You’re setting yourself up for failure because confidence is NOT something you can “get” like a skill.
Confidence is a positive and self-assured feeling or mindset that is the result of success in a particular situation.
Yep you heard me. Write these 2 things down:
1. Confidence is the result of learned situational successes.
2. The price of confidence is consistent action resulting in an outcome…which allows you to learn (i.e. calibrate)
and adjust your actions to lead to success, and LATER confidence.
That gentlemen in a nutshell is how one becomes confident.
Are you still with me?
This is deep…and probably the ONE thing that can immediately make a difference when you approach a woman.
You aren’t expected to be confident when you first do this.
Hey, we all gotta start somewhere right?
The good news is that if you act consistently and learn from your mistakes you WILL become successful…and as a
result become more confident.
If you want to make sure you are on the right track and learning what you should, make sure you join our free Facebook group here.
We are always there to answer questions and help guide you on your journey.
So if someone tells you that you can have confidence by doing something or learning a tactic, they’re wrong.
There is no such thing as being universally “confident” in every situation.
People who pretend to be aren’t being naturally confident, they’re being insecurely bold which is dangerous.
Here’s an example.
I work as a doctor in my day job, and I would say I’m very confident that I can handle anything that comes my way in the ER.
But that wasn’t always the case.
It took time, effort, and yes mistakes to get to where I am today.
That’s why there’s something called TRAINING.
Now if you take my confidence in the ER and put me in say…a bomb squad.
Well, I would be scared shitless.
Because that confidence doesn’t translate into a different scenario.
I don’t have the training, experience, and learning to give me enough SUCCESS in that situation to be confident.
Approaching and being good with women is no different and definitely less stressful than defusing a bomb, even though it may not feel that way!
I have coached many men who were extremely confident and successful in other areas of their life…CEO’s, engineers, athletes….you name it.
Although they had the confidence to be successful in other areas… they couldn’t walk up to a beautiful woman and get her number if their life depended on it.
Again, if you have difficulty approaching and talking to a woman….Your problem isn’t confidence.
You can’t learn confidence or get confidence..its is the result of being successful under specific situations.
You may be asking, Ronin, if success leads to confidence…how do I become successful if I”m not having success now?
Good question…its goes something like this…..
Fear + Low Self Esteem + Lack of Action = Many Late Nights Alone
And the Solution then would look like this…..
Tame Fear + Positive Self Esteem + Action Plan= Lots of Dates with Beautiful Women
The real problem is fear, more specifically fear of getting rejected.
That brings me to another thing that is often misunderstood.
It’s not that you have approach anxiety as a lot of dating coaches claim. The real reason you have anxiety or fear when you approach is because of the fear of rejection.
So now that we’ve found the real culprit let’s dive into what FEAR is.
Later in Part 2, we will deal with SELF-ESTEEM, and We’ll cover the Action Plan (Skills) in Part 3.
“Nothing in life is to be feared. It is only to be understood.”
As we said earlier, if you are having difficulty approaching and talking to a woman it boils down to one of these things.
Fear and self-esteem is the mental portion of an approach, while skill is physical…it’s what you do.
So what is fear?
Psychologists and biologists generally define Fear as a reaction to an immediate threat which causes a change in metabolic and organ functions.
It leads to a change in behavior like the flight or fight response.
Some may also call this anxiety but anxiety is triggered by something that is not specific, even though it produces physiological arousal.
Fear is a response to a real threat, whereas anxiety is to an imagined threat.
For simplicity sake lets just call it Fear.
Regardless of what yo call it, it’s what’s keeping you from walking up to that girl!
Because fear serves a use from an evolutionary perspective it has been preserved.
Our ancestors benefited from being afraid of things that might eat them.
In the early days of human civilization, fear may have even had a purpose.
Rejection in a small tribe may cause unrest or banishment, and hitting on the alpha male’s girl may have had much more serious consequences!
So you see fear is a normal and adaptive trait.
However today that is not the case.
Rejection from a girl will not be the end of the world for you…even though your emotions may say otherwise.
You have to keep in mind that Society and culture have evolved at a much faster pace than our brains.
There are 3 things you have to remember about fear:
1. It is a natural response to a perceived threat that is inappropriate when dealing with approaching women.
2. Fear cannot and should not be eliminated. It does, however, need to be TAMED so that it does not keep you
from taking action when it is helpful.
3. Effectively taming fear requires identifying the cause of the fear, examining its validity and usefulness, and
finally confronting and taming the fear by taking action.
This idea of confronting fear is not new, legendary psychologist Albert Ellis did a “shame-attacking exercise” in 1933 at age 19.
He approached every woman who was sitting alone at the New York Botanical Garden.
He was rejected by the first 30 women, but afterwards was able to talk to the other 100 or so women!
So the next time you feel the cobra of fear rearing its ugly head stop and follow these steps.
1. Go easy on yourself and realize that it’s normal to feel fear.
2. Next, acknowledge it and take a deep breath.
3. Next here are some things you can do to help you TAME the fear so that it does not prevent you from taking
- Get out of your head and focus on your breathing and your breath. This will help ease your anxiety and help you focus on something other than your thoughts
- Pay vivid attention to your 5 senses (touch, taste, smell, sight, sound) and allow them to come into your awareness
- Take a moment to notice what’s going on around you, what people are wearing. Notice the dance of life going on around you. Become more “present” and aware of your surroundings
- Instead of focusing on the monkey chatter in your head and worrying about what people think of YOU, focus on THEM instead. Notice details about people, really observe them
- Be curious. Get to know other people by asking them open-ended questions that don’t require a “yes” or “no” answer. Really pay attention to what they say and bring it up later to let them know you LISTENED
All these things shift your attention outward and will relieve your fear and anxiety.
Plus you’ll make friends and learn things along the way!
If you are serious about taming your fear of approaching women, here are some sites with very detailed and practical exercises to help you tame your fear.
This site deals with social anxiety (aka FEAR) and has great exercises to help you identify what your core problems are.
It offers a great in-depth discussion of what fear is and hinders you.
Its will help those of you who may not be ready to confront their fears yet, but need a good in-depth discussion to help them sort out what’s going on in their heads.
I really the site above because it offers a more hands-on approach, with worksheets that you can use.
I highly recommend doing the Exposure Hierarchy to find the best way to create an action plan to confront your fears.
One last tip, as you are going through and doing these exercises, it is important to keep the focus off of yourself and your thoughts as in the beginning the faulty thinking can sabotage your progress.
Many studies have found that people who think of themselves as shy in public do much worse at remembering details of their surroundings.
They are more preoccupied with their thoughts than focusing on what’s going on around them.
It would make sense then that focusing on what’s around you instead will help keep those negative thoughts and emotions in check.
We showed you that one of the biggest misconceptions in dating is the belief that a lack “confidence” is keeping you from having success with women.
Now we know that in reality confidence is not something that you can get.
It is the RESULT of having success in a specific situation.
You get confidence by taking a specific action, and learning from mistakes to become more successful.
The repeated success is what will later give you confidence.
The immediate result of this realization is that you can stop being so hard on yourself for not feeling confident when you approach a woman.
It’s NORMAL when you are starting out, you aren’t expected to be confident!!!
We also showed you the equation to become good with women.
Tame Fear + Positive Self Esteem + Action Plan = Success in Approaching Women
So then alternatively,
Fear + Low Self Esteem + No Acion Plan = Many Lonely Nights
A huge piece of advice I want you guys to remember is that you cannot get rid of fear, it’s a natural in fact to have fear.
You have to TAME fear.
And finally I went in depth to define what fear is and isnt’, and I gave you 2 great resources with exercises to get started.
That’s gentlemen is how you TAME FEAR.
1. Check out the 2 links above under the “Resources” tab.Be sure to do the Exposure Hierarchy Exercise, it is very high yieldhttp://www.moodjuice.scot.nhs.uk/shynesssocialphobia.aspis
2. Take ACTION to do the Exposure Hierarchy Exercise. Slowly work your way up so that you can face your worst
fear..which in this case is talking to beautiful women.
3. Join our FREE facebook group here to get your questions answered, and tell us how it went!
There you can find like-minded men on the same journey, gain insights/tips, and get help so you can finally get this area of your life handled once and for all.
Next up in Part 2 we’ll talk about Self-Esteem and what you can do to get that piece handled too.
To your success,